Episode II – Wooks At War

In honor of their highest spiritual day of obligation, Wooks across Tour had agreed upon a 24 hour period of armistice from the recent outbreak of polarized civil skirmish within the Wook Community. The traditional High Services in Boulder had commenced at midnight and the Elder Hierarchs had engaged in the long honored practice of seamless puffing and raging meditation.

The Wookie Prophets were deep into their spiritual connection with heady crystals in their Flatiron Mountain Cave Lair. This mythical process vested each Prophet with a sole responsibility, resulting in the sustainment of the Wook spiritual balance, clean vibes and good luck with kick-downs for an entire year of Touring. The Prophet of Dependence was to meld his mind with the crystals to emit a cosmic cipher that would enable Wooks to sustain their helplessness and refusal to claim responsibility in society. The Prophet of Entitlement was to add a necessary dissonance to that code; an essential element of the Wookie psyche and behavior. Through his connection with the heady crystals and his distorted perception of his own power, he was to transmit energy that enabled Wooks to believe that they are constantly “owed” things (free drugz, miracles, kick-downz, gas money, etc…). This element is essential in sustaining the Wooks’ general blood sucking off of people who work to support themselves. Finally, the Prophet of Nature was to strengthen the Wook connection with the earth, providing justification to refrain from showering and wearing shoes in order to “connect with the environment.”

Services were underway. Wooks across Boulder united hand-in-hand, sharing dank headies, exchanging hugz and inconveniencing the average, bill-paying American. The Moment of Peak approached. It was the climax of this grand spiritual design. When the Tag watch that the Wook High Priestess had found on Lot struck 4:20, a series of rupturing events unraveled that would break the temporary armistice and ultimately shatter the status quo of the Wookie Universe for years to come. These acts escalated what had been fragmented skirmishes into full scale War.

Precisely when the traditional didgeridoo began to sound on the University of Colorado campus, a ravenous Lot Dog was unleashed by an unassuming Wookette with vine-like hair on her legs. The hound lunged at the Wook High Priest and sank its drooling teeth into his neck. It gnawed with a delighted satisfaction until the priest lay dead on the ground. The Lot Dog bit off a single dreadlock and returned it to its keeper. Both keeper and hound immediately transformed into energy, leaving not a trace behind.

A pack of known Boulder Wooks meditating outside of the Prophets’ lair abruptly arose from kneeing in the direction of Burlington and removed their Billabong gear to reveal WSP shirts. They were turncoats; Boulder Wooks who had sympathized with the Southern Wook cause and agreed to act as undercover minions in exchange for asylum in Asheville. Armed with squirt guns filled with a sanity-cracking mixture of bunk L and dirty Mol, they began to open fire on the crowd. Wooks everywhere began to bug out and a scene of mass hysteria had erupted.

With this distraction in place, a Special Forces unit from Austin (contracted by the leaders in Asheville) stormed the Prophets’ lair. Their goal was simple: disrupt the Balancing Ritual and kidnap the Prophets. They did not expect resistance, however, the Prophets are powerful and a battle erupted. The Unit managed to capture the Prophet of Dependence before he was able to escape via space-time transcendence with his brethren. Bound, gagged and beaten, they loaded him into a VW Microbus that had pulled up outside of the cave and sped away.

Panic stricken and under the influence of the toxin released on the crowd, a frantic custie n00b wearing a flat breezy plowed through the crowd with his mother’s Hum V, leaving more than 3000 Wooks dead and injured, included the diplomat dispatched from Berkeley to pressure for peace negotiations.

Word of these events flooded the interwebz. When the West Coast Wooks learned of the fate of their peace delegate, a troop was amassed and dispatched to Boulder. They were ordered to kill every Wook, Wookette and Wookling in sight. The Continental Congress of Brahs in Burlington issued a statement condemning the actions of the Southern Wooks and dispatched troops to initiate a siege of Southern venues. In an effort to send a message of sincerity to the Southern Community, they ordered a battalion to destroy Oak Mountain Amphitheater. They demanded the return of the Prophet of Dependence. As time wore on, the most pernicious consequence of this tragic day began to slowly materialize. The spiritual balance of Wooks on Lot everywhere was beginning to crumble. All that was heady, turned bunk. All vibes that were fresh, spoiled. A massive state of psychological disarray began to infiltrate the Wookie Collective Consciousness. The harmonious balance of dependency and entitlement existing within Wooks had gone askew. Any given Wook now had possessed a disproportionate amount of one or the other. Vibes of confusion, anger and rage swept the Lot World and a chilling state of chaos set in…


      • Nyanna

        December 6, 2016

        Post a Reply

        One time I was crossing Park Avenue and there was this car making a crazy turn and the driver was nude (at least from the waist up2&t#11;8he part that was visible) with his mouth wide open. So I assumed that he was ejaculating. But maybe he was singing?

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